


And he has a list

by RocioWrites



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 09:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2063076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s my regrets book.”</p><p>“Your… regrets book?” And suddenly it hits her, and it’s sad and it makes sense and it breaks her heart. Such a good man and he has a fucking regrets book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And he has a list

Written for the [cmpromptmeme](http://cmpromptmeme.livejournal.com/). [Round Six: Free for all](http://cmpromptmeme.livejournal.com/2361.html).  
Prompt: Garcia/Reid, regrets.

*

It’s not her intention and she never ever wants to violate Spencer’s privacy. They’re more than friends but it still feels like going too far because she knows he’s so private and she respects that. Yet, it’s not her fault that she has found this, she just wanted new sheets and how could she possibly know a notebook would fall on her head from the closet?

All she wants to do is to put it where it was, which she has no idea where that is. The thing just fell out of the blue and now Penny doesn’t know what to do. Better to put it away in some place, wherever; or better to give it to Spencer? It’s kinda hard. She doesn’t want Spencer to think she read it. However, putting the notebook inside the closet won’t do ‘cause Spencer will be able to tell the thing is not where it was before.

She finally finds the sheets and leaves the notebook on the desk. Penny makes the bed and makes tea and ponders what to do with the notebook; she still has a few hours before Spencer comes home.

The first page is blank so she doesn’t inspect it further, it’s not her place to pry Penny thinks to herself.

*

The notebook’s on the desk where she left it when Spencer arrives. His eyes go wide and he looks a bit surprised but mostly he looks scared of something. What’s written there she doesn’t know and probably won’t ask.

“Uhm so, did you find this?”

She nods. “I didn’t read it though.”

“Oh.” He takes the notebook on his hand and flips the pages absentmindedly. “That’s… that’s good. Okay. Thanks.” Spencer doesn’t look at her and this makes Penny uncomfortable to be honest. “Thanks for not reading it.” He adds.

_You’re welcome_  doesn’t feel right in her mouth so she doesn’t say it. She goes for a joke instead. “Why? Do you have some sexy stories there? Do you write smut in your free time sweetcheeks?”

Spencer flushes a bit. However, he still looks concerned. Penny won’t ask because she doesn’t want to and Spencer feels a hot pain in his chest, a lump in his throat.

“It’s my regrets book.”

“Your… regrets book?” And suddenly it hits her, and it’s sad and it makes sense and it breaks her heart. Such a good man and he has a fucking regrets book.

“Yeah… I know Gideon told me I shouldn’t keep score but… well, I’ve let down so many people. It’s only logical for me to remember.”

“Oh honey!” She hugs him real tight. “No babe,” She whispers in his ear feeling Spencer shiver. “you may regret things but you always did your best. Don’t torture yourself like that.”

“I can’t forget now, Penelope.” He says and his voice trembles. “And if someday I… you know, I don’t want to get lost in my mind and forget the people I couldn’t save. It’s not fair to them.”

“It’s not fair to you!” She cries out, breaking the hug and looking him in the eye. “It’s not fair to you Spencer. And you don’t deserve this guilt, this weight. Not now, not ever.”

“Don’t I?” And the smiles he has is so sad and broken that she almost can’t handle it.

He leaves the notebook there, for her to see and read all the regrets he has. Penny just checks some pages.  _Diana Reid. Elle Greenaway. Tobias Hankel. Adam Jackson and Amanda. Aaron Hotchner. Haley Hotchner_. There are so many names, she just recognizes some.

It’s unfair, Spencer shouldn’t do this to himself. However, he has a fucking list of all his regrets.


End file.
